F is inconsolable. He wants to be heard but no one cares two hoots about him. They call him iss khel ki jaan but it’s the pundits, self-proclaimed or otherwise, who have hijacked all the space that should legitimately belong to him. He feels miserable before the India-West Indies World T20 match; the know-it-all crowd just won’t stop pontificating on the game and allow him to speak.
The Indian cricket fan is bit of an expert and bit of a novice. Above all, he is passionate about the team. AFP
F calls it overkill. The pundits won’t tire of talking about Virat Kohli and Chris Gayle, Dhoni and his astounding luck, the absence of Yuvraj Singh from the squad and the ability of the West Indies to pull off a surprise.
He would point to the acres and acres of print and broadcast space gone into discussing these before the semi-final clash at Wankhede. One found him nursing a bottle of suspicious-looking drink at a watering hole in the city at noon while mentally preparing himself for the big match in the evening.
“Their talk is all gas, superficial. Would any of these experts tell me how many runs India need to win this match or how many runs they should bowl West Indies out for?” F asks. “But dear fellow, they are not astrologers. Even astrologers are known to fail,’’ one replies. “Ah! Don’t give me this bulls***.”
Before you ask who the hell this F is, here’s the answer. He is your average Indian cricket fan – with a capital F, bit of an expert, bit of a novice. He is the non-playing skipper of the team and its coach too. He loves the game but loves his team madly. He simply cannot bear to watch it lose. He will burn effigies of players, set fire to the stands and badmouth everyone in that case. Still, he will be back backing the team to the hilt the next match, everything forgiven. You find him everywhere, from roadside tea stalls to corporate board rooms.
“So what is a good score for India to chase?” one asks. “Ninety,” says he and quickly provides the explanation, “See, none but Virat is scoring the runs. A small target will be comfortable for him. Cannot take any risk with the Shikhars, Rohits and Rainas.” One tells him this is silly. What is the fun in a match if the score is too low? And would he like Gayle, his favourite player, to fail too?
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“No man, he should score some runs. What’s the fun otherwise? He should hit 50 at least. Paisa vasool bhi chahiye. You are right. Let’s revise the score to 120. India can manage that at Wankhede. It’s batting wicket you know,” the fan replies.
“What if India bats first?”
“Two hundred and thirty,” he has the number worked out. Overambitious, but you give it to him. A fan will be a fan. “You never know what this Gayle fellow will do when he starts hitting. Don’t forget Bravo, Fletcher and Sammy too. And with our bowlers, you never know what is safe,” he adds.
Then he is goes on into some pre-match analysis, on what batsmen should do if the ball starts spinning early – “ask Dhoni to open the batting. He can hit those skiers” - and what India must do if Gayle goes berserk – “make him run. Lazy bum will get tired soon”. This is pretty much what the experts say in more sophisticated language. But this man has gone further with the exact numbers.
Probe further and you find like every other cricket fan, he knows everything, has answers to everything. He is upset because nobody would seek his opinion. It seems his wife, being an expert herself, won’t often agree with him.
What if India lose? One puts the last question. “Lose? no way yaar. It is such a silly question. How can India lose?”
You know then why he is called iss khel ki jaan. Without him cricket won’t be cricket. Three cheers for F.
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